And how to change directions
I never wanted to become a controlling person, but I did.
I wanted to get rid of my anxiety, hide from my inadequacies, and avoid my own growth, so I’d push my will on other people — telling myself I was helping them.
I’d throw away a smoker’s cigarettes, shame another person about their all-day gaming habits, and pout when people didn’t do what I said.
Couldn’t they see I was trying to help them?
Couldn’t they see I was right?
What was wrong with them?
I thought myself a savior even though my life was a shambles.
I would yank these poor souls from their bad habits, shove happiness into them, and send them a farewell kiss as they walked out the door.
But that didn’t work. And I grew exhausted. And they didn’t change.
Because they didn’t want to, and even if they did, I had no right to force them.
My controlling behavior only made them resist, hold on more tightly to who they were, and fight me harder.
Exactly what I didn’t want. Exactly what wouldn’t help them.
What was wrong with me?
I hadn’t intended on being a judgmental, hurtful asshole, but I had become one. People would tell me this, but I didn’t listen.
I thought they were making excuses. Not even trying to be healthier, happier, and stronger.
And watching them hurt themselves caused me pain.
But the real truth was that I was afraid of leveling myself up. Focusing on my own cracks.
So I became someone I never wanted to be, and you may be too.
Here’s some ways we slowly, silently become the same kind of people we hate:
Don’t read the manual
“The highest form of knowledge is empathy.” — Bill Bullard
Most manuals are a long, miserable lesson in discipline. They’re a boring parade on a neverending conveyer belt. So, what do we do?
Skim and close.
Ain’t nobody got time for that, right?
But to become who we want to be, we need to take the time to ingest the theory. To tear the parts apart. Only then can we understand the system.
This same process applies to people.
How to change: Slow down and read their manuals — by asking them questions, listening with your heart and soul, and offering compassion instead of criticism. Then, you can get a better idea of who they are and who they want to be.
So, read the manual.
Don’t skim. Don’t skip. Read.
Become a dungeon master
“If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.” — KushandWizdom
Dungeons & Dragons.
In this board game, a Dungeon Master creates the world, directs the play, and issues out rewards and consequences. They rule everything.
And others agree to follow them.
But this is a game, not real life. When you appoint yourself the Dungeon Master in real life, like I used to, you may forget others have their own agency.
You may think of them as pieces on a chessboard. There to act out your strategies, encourage your tactics, and submit to your genius.
And that’s where you lose them. None of this changes minds. And, it certainly doesn’t change hearts. Instead, it usually leads to fulfilling your own needs — and disregarding others.
How to change: If you ever get angry that someone didn’t do what you want or take your undeniably divine advice, ask yourself if you’re a being an unofficial Dungeon Master.
Ask yourself if you’re trying to move them around.
And most importantly, ask yourself how you feel when they do do what you want.
Do you feel relieved, smug, or happy?
Your response will give you insight into your behavior.
The only sentient being you can be a Dungeon Master over is yourself.
Not your parents, siblings, friends, significant other, or pets.
They’re always the Dungeon Masters of their world.
Sweet talk sugar
“Flattery corrupts both the receiver and the giver.” — Edmund Burke
When your words can convince sugar to jump in a hot cup of tea, you’ve become a charmer.
I don’t have this ability; I’m as blunt as a chair to the head.
But, some people do, and it’s a good trait in tiny doses.
There’s nothing wrong with handing out a compliment here and there. But it becomes less innocent when telling people what they want to hear is your tactic to get what you want.
We can slip into charming behavior when we admire someone, want to impress them, or plain ‘ol want some benefit they have.
But it can transform us into a faker. A liar. And someone others can’t trust.
How to change: Before giving out a compliment, think of why you’re doing it.
- Are you saying it because you genuinely believe it?
- Do you want something in return after you flatter this person?
- If they give you nothing, are you going to feel upset?
Your motivations are key to making sure your ultimate goal is to help someone else.
Telling them everything they want to hear won’t help them; it’ll only make them wonder about what you’re not telling them.
Instead of speaking sugar, tell people what you think.
Tell them the truth.
There’s many ways to become who you don’t want to be.
Three sneaky ways are skipping the manual, being a dungeon master, and speaking sugar.
These habits can be changed, but it’s not easy, and none of us is perfect.
Leave a Reply