How I Rob My Future

Imagine your life. Imagine 10 years from now, and you’re sitting with the same people, drinking the same drinks, thinking the same thoughts, and eating the same food. It’s lovely, isn’t it?

When I imagine my future, I see it exactly as it is now. I’m the same person, hate all the parts of myself I’ve always hated, spend all day being negative, make the same income, and want for everything.

And you can too.

I wrote this tiny guide to make sure you stay on the path of sameness. It was a struggle, and I’m a hypocrite for finishing this, I know, but don’t worry, I put in minimal effort.

So, are you ready to rob your future like I do? Here’s how.

Put off everything

Watch the seconds tick by. Stare at the clock. Feel time moving forward.

Then,

• Wait until the last minute
• Focus on the smallest of details for hours
• Prepare nothing
• Leave too late
• Stay disorganized

These are some of my best skills. And every day, I hone them. Sharpen them until they’re lethal. I don’t want these skills to die.

Remember deadlines after they’ve passed

This is an easy one. All you have to do is write nothing down. While you’re at it, do these other things:

• Don’t set alarms
• Keep your calendar empty (even better, never buy a calendar)
• Plan nothing
• Have no routines

These are a few of the best tricks I use to create the future I want. They help me keep the present and the future identical.

Go to sleep when you need to finish something

I love sleep. It’s my greatest joy to sleep all day.

Every once in a while, on very, very rare occasions, I make a list of what I want to do. And then, I get smart, cross out the list, and go to sleep.

When the day is almost over, I sleep more.

Ah, what a great day. I can’t wait to have another one tomorrow.

Finish nothing

This is one of the best tips I have for you to rob your future.

• Start 10 different things; finish no
• Make huge goals, and don’t break them up into chunks
• Get stressed out and stay up late (even better, stop sleeping. It helps)
• Stay busy with small, unimportant tasks
• Check your email all day
• Live on social med

Quit for any reason

Has your pencil tip broken? Quit.

Did your tea cool too soon? Quit.

One of the best ways I control my future is to quit for any reason.

Just stop. It always works.

Make no decisions

One of the crucial steps.

Never make a decision.

But, if you should ever feel ambitious, spend months on a decision that takes one day. Use up all of the time. You have forever.

• Don’t do anything else; keep researching
• Doubt yourself constantly and ask people’s opinions
• Let your emotions run everything
• Think about your project, but do nothing
• Only do what you feel like

And finally, if you really want to die the same person — and alone, yay! — let someone else decide for you. Then, get mad at them for making the decisions.

Push them away, and you can spend your life being a clone of who you are now.

Excellent. I think you’ve got it.